Many times what is missing in a BDSM relationship is the psychological aspect. Majority of the newbie Doms focus on physically dominating their subs, but what they truly need to understand is that it is not sustainable in the long term. A sub does not need to just follow the orders and obey but understand why he should be following the orders. He should feel the inner need to obey their Dom rather than just agreeing with them.
‘Mental Domination precedes Physical Domination’
Psychological conditioning allows you to modify the way your sub thinks or feels certain things. You can literally condition the emotions and reactions he should get from a stimulus that you provide. This can also be very useful if your sub is reluctant at times. You will know how to motivate him in the times he is reluctant to obey. Conditioning your sub reduces the probability of misunderstanding or emotional outbreaks during times of constructive criticism because you would know how they are going to feel about it.
Psychological conditioning allows you to penetrate into your sub’s mind and install a ‘mini you’ inside their head (Ooh I love the sound of it !) .
This is extremely useful if you’re looking for a proactive sub who can anticipate your needs. He can guess what you might want before you even realize your need. The ‘mini you’ is going to guide him throughout the day and your sub is not going to bother you with petty questions every now and then. Obviously, this thing takes time and patience to build but the results are totally worth it in the long term. I don’t want to sound too cliché but “You’re actually going to have a partner of your dreams that your friends are going to be jealous of.” I have come up with the following approach for psychological conditioning of a sub :
1. The initial thought :
This step is the most crucial one. Once you’ve mastered this thing, more than half of the conditioning is already done. This step outlines what are the initial thoughts that your sub gets once you ask him to do something. Does he think “I don’t want to do this but I will have to do this because I’m a sub” or “My dom has asked me to do this and I’m so excited to serve her”?
You actually need to verbally remind him again and again about the thoughts you want to generate in their mind. You will have to tell him how he should feel whenever you ask him to do something. You literally need to instill your thoughts in his mind if you want him to feel what you want him to feel.
It isn’t as difficult as it sounds. If he is really devoted to serving you, he is going to listen to what you say and absorb every single word of yours. This step is more about consistently reminding him what and how he should feel mentally than just physically following the orders. You want to control his feelings instead of his actions. Once you get control of his feelings, actions are going to be controlled as a consequence. You might regularly want to throw in some affirmations during your daily conversations like –
a. I know you feel really turned on when I ask you to serve me.
b. You need to feel excited to serve me.
c. You feel so powerless in front of me.
d. I know you keep waiting for my orders because you love to obey me.
e. You should feel grateful for being able to serve a Goddess like me.
f. Serving me makes you happy, doesn’t it?
2. The “Why” :
Your sub is obviously not a brainless creature. He’s a human, a logical one, who is going to question why he should be following your orders. The biggest mistake that beginner Doms make is to answer -“Because I said so!” This answer is going to work a few times but again, it isn’t applicable for the long term because it actually isn’t an answer. Whenever your sub questions why, probably he isn’t asking it to disrespect but as a logical question. You need to tell him why he should be following your orders and your way of doing work rather than what he suggests. Sometimes he will rebel as well. Here’s a hack for psychological conditioning – you may add a personal reason along with the actual reason. This way, whenever he serves you, he will think of your personal reason as well as the actual reason. For example –
Dom – I need you to stop wearing this shirt.
Sub – But why? It is a very comfortable one.
Dom – Because it has got old ( logical reason ). Also, it’ll really make me feel good ( personal reason ) to see you in New clothes.
Seems like a normal conversation, right? But what you might have missed out on is the consequence. Whenever your sub is going to wear that new piece of cloth, he’ll get a thought that it’s for the happiness of his dom. He is going to have the ‘mini you’ inside his head constantly reminding him that it’s for you that he is wearing that cloth. And to enhance the impact even more, you can even mould your compliments like “I really love it when you wear this, you look good”. Now he is not going to wear it because he looks good but because you love it.
I hope you get the point. You are not just a reasonable Dom but you have also conditioned his reasoning ( the “why” ) to be focused around you.
3. The expectations :
Lastly, you also need to instill the right set of expectations in his mind. Many times, the sub is focused on some kind of gratification at a later stage while performing service. He needs to be told that the service is solely for your satisfaction and any expectation of a gratification is selfish motive behind serving. He needs to be told that gratification is totally at your disposal. You need to be the centre of the relationship as a Dom and it is his duty to direct all his efforts in your satisfaction.
Again, when I say that ‘need to be told’, I mean they actually and verbally needs to be told. You need to be verbal. You need to communicate. Communication might prove to a be a little awkward for you in the beginning but I guarantee that your sub is going to love it when you verbally tell them things, in case you aren’t doing it already. If you’re too shy, you can resort to texting initially.
Any wrong expectation is going to make both of you upset. The right expectations lay down a strong foundation for a long-term relationship. The expectations can be set for particular commands, chores, sexual services or just daily routine. A few examples below.
a. If your sub drives you to the office and you ask them to be ready with the car in 10 minutes, you might mean that you need your laptop, your meal and any other stuff you carry with you during the day. Your sub might just be ready with the car because expectation was not set right.
b. When you ask them to make the house ready for guests, you might mean cleaning, laundry, organized kitchen and ready dinner but your sub might not be aware of all the stuff to do.
c. You might tell your sub that tonight you both are going to have sex. The sub might automatically assume that he is also going to get an orgasm whereas you might just be looking forward to your satisfaction and did not even think of your sub’s satisfaction at all. The sub needs to be told that sex refers to your satisfaction only and his satisfaction is totally at your disposal and mood in this case.
So here we are! I appreciate you going through the article and hopefully, you are going apply these in your relationship. The knowledge provided above might seem too much in the short term but you’re surely going to love your sub’s behavior in the long term.
Happy dominating.
