Topping from the bottom (TFTB) occurs when a submissive tries to control or manipulate the actions of the Dom. This could be through many ways:
• Refusing to obey orders or questioning them.
• Ignoring commands.
• Trying to change the scene once it has been agreed upon.
• Telling the top what to do.
• Intentionally making mistakes, to get funishments eg., spanking.
• Striking deals with the Top. Eg., I’ll do this only if I get that.
Why do Submissives TFTB?
They disagree with the Dom –
Submissives are humans too. They can have different opinions than their Doms. Submission means that a man has agreed to abide by his Dom’s decision but this does not necessarily mean that he agrees with her. At times, he will try to manipulate his Dom into making a decision of his choice. For example, if the Dom has asked him to research for a holiday destination, he might provide her with more positives of the place that he prefers and more negatives of the place that his Dom prefers.
To test the Dom –
Generally, it is the man who introduces Female Led Relationship to his wife/girlfriend. Usually, he goes through a lot of material and therefore, is more educated on the subject of Female Led Relationship than his Dom, at least in the initial phase of his relationship. When they initiate their journey of FLR, the sub will, at times, try to test his Dom’s education on the subject. He would intentionally create circumstances where he would expect her to behave in a “Dominant” manner.
To get more play time –
A sub might intentionally make mistakes or provoke his Dom just to get more spankings. He may even bargain with his Dom that he is going to do a certain task only if she plays with his Dick. The sub might desire a more kink-centred FLR than a servitude-centred FLR i.e., transactional instead of devotional.
Trust issues –
The sub can also have trust issues with his Dom regarding her domination skills. He might doubt that she wouldn’t be able to handle certain scenes or she might not be able to handle his emotions. He might feel that she isn’t well equipped with the knowledge of BDSM. This can result in him taking a silent lead in the relationship. He might even sense hesitation in his Dom’s behavior and probably will TFTB to motivate her. He might even manipulate her to react and behave as per his “expectations of a Dom” so that he can trust that she is the Dom of his dreams.
The sub might not be a sub at all –
He might just have kinky fantasies, that is all. Probably, he just wants to be submissive in the bed, that too, on his own terms and conditions.
How to Stop Topping from the Bottom ?
Don’t push her –
Never ever force your Domme to experiment with certain kinks. You can bring up new kinks and discuss them with her but the ultimate decision to implement those kinks in your relationship is in her hands. Encourage her decision-making. It’s about her, not you!
Limit your expectations –
You need to understand that the relationship is biased towards the Dom (consensually and in a healthy way). She has the right to expect fulfillment of her needs and wants while you should just focus on HER needs and HER wants. If she’s a good Dom, she will take care of you.
Let her set the pace –
Do not rush into things. Do not expect her to be a ruthless Dom the next day after you have discussed FLR with her. She needs to understand things. She needs to change her mindset. She needs to understand your desire to submit. She needs to understand your vulnerabilities and so on. Let her carry this relationship at her own pace. It will be worth it. Think and behave long term.
Don’t judge her –
Be a supportive submissive gentleman for her. Never judge her actions. It takes extraordinary courage for her to try out new kinks in the relationship. It needs courage for her to implement new rules. She is already doing so much and the last thing she should fear is your reaction to her behavior. She should be able to be natural in front of you. Don’t try to mold her into a perfect Dom. Instead, get molded into a perfect sub. Do not give her a vibe that you are judging her. Be supportive and be the best and the most obedient slave.
Your mental image –
Admit it, you have a mental image of her as a Dom. You initiated FLR because you fantasized about being dominated by her. However, the reality is different darling than your fantasies darling. She might not be the Dom that you had imagined in your thoughts. Do not compare the ‘real her’ with the ‘fantasy her’. Embrace her dominance. She might be a soft Dom whereas you might have imagined a ruthless cruel dom. Don’t get upset by this instead, Embrace this. She should change according to you, you need to get molded according to her.
Let her lead –
Dominance is hers, not yours. She is in charge of the relationship, not you. You need to follow her lead. She will eventually start taking more charge in the relationship. Even if she does not, do not question her. Follow her lead and walk on the path that she is leading. Encourage her to be herself. Do not attempt to change her.
Topping from the bottom can be toxic for your FLR. If you sense that your sub is TFTB’ing, have an open communication with him. Tell him that you do not expect him to behave in this way. He should be an obedient slave and should directly communicate in case he feels that something’s lacking in the relationship. He should, under no circumstance, try to manipulate you to get the problem solved..
As a sub, you should make sure that you are not feeling unsatisfied in your D/s relationship. In case you are, discuss it with your Dom rather than trying to sort it out yourself through misdirection or manipulation or being bratty or negotiation.
Happy Domination !
