Women learn about Domination and Submission through forums, podcasts, videos, and books available in the market and blogs/articles on the internet. They tend to establish the same rituals and practices, they come across while learning, in their own relationships. The problem is that those ideas might sound exciting while reading but they might not necessarily be meant for them and their relationship.
Every relationship is different, every dynamic is different, every couple is different and every FLR is different. You can take ideas by looking at other relationships but you might not be able to (and should not) ditto those ideas into your relationship.
In my personal experience, a woman struggles in a Femdom relationship because she does not exactly know what she wants. Even if she wants to assume the dominant role, she doesn’t know what she wants as a Dom. She doesn’t know how she can benefit from her submissive.
Probably her man confessed his submissive fantasies and she likes the idea as well, but the problem is, she never defined what she exactly wants and how the Female Led Relationship is going to be. As a dominant woman, you should know what your personality is. You need to know about your Dom side before your man gets to see it. Read it again –
“You need to know about your Dom side before your man gets to see it.”
If you are unclear about what you exactly want, you will actually struggle to reach there. Your man may even question your ‘confused’ dominion. He might not be able to trust you as a Dom. And believe me sweetheart, you do not want trust issues in a Female Led Relationship, actually in any relationship, but especially FLR.
I am hereby listing ideas and questions that you need to consider to define your dominion. It is by no means an exhaustive list, but it should provide a direction towards defining your reign over him and your relationship. You should have an open and a curious mind and should come up with your own questions and ideas along the way –
Spend time with yourself
Get to know yourself. You need to know what you are looking for. Why do you want a female led relationship. What excites you? Are you doing it just for him? What are you getting out of it? Have you ever experienced your dominant side earlier? Are you hesitant to dominate your man? If yes, why? What are your hesitations? What does your dominant side look like? What are your likes and dislikes?
Don’t just skip these questions. Each and every question mentioned above is equally important. Think. This is an exercise to do, not just an article to read. Once you are done, move on to the next point.
Your Fantasies
What fantasies do you already have – Maybe you like to dominate during sex. Maybe you like CFNM. Maybe you like to dress him like a girl. What are your fantasies? You need to be aware of the fantasies that you currently have.
Moreover, what are some fantasies that you would like to explore but find intimidating? Maybe you want to explore the golden shower fantasy, or maybe you want some public humiliation. What are the fantasies that sound scary and fun at the same time? You can keep a list of those fantasies and discuss them with your partner in the future.
‘Must’ and ‘Must not’
What are the things that will be a must in your FLR? Maybe you want total control over his orgasms or maybe chores will be his duty.
What are the things that you absolutely don’t want to have in your relationship? What are your hard limits? What are you not going to accept at all? Femdom is a very deep world. There are things that are not meant for everyone. For example, you may not want CBT or blood play or scat play or cuckolding.
Sex life
Since you are in charge, you are free to decide about sex. Do you like PIV or do you prefer oral? Are you sexually active enough to keep the naughty spark alive? What about your man? Do you like him to be sexually satisfied or frustrated? Does denial make him more obedient and compliant? Do you want any changes in your current sex life? Do you need to train your man to make him better in bed?
You as a person
What makes you feel more dominant? What instances in the past triggered the ‘Mistress’ inside you? Is there anything specific that he does that makes you feel powerful? If yes, you need to implement that more.
What are your weaknesses and flaws? Are you ashamed of them? Do they sometimes act as a hindrance in your dominion? Are you doing anything to overcome/improve them? What are the things you are doing to make yourself a better person? You must keep on learning new things and experiences. Reading forums is a great way to get new perspectives about FLR as you get to read about other people’s experiences. As you grow your knowledge, your dominion will grow as well.
Delegation and Training
What tasks do you need him to do when you are in power? Is it laundry? Dishes? Cleaning? Garbage? Lawn maintenance? Are there things that you prefer to do yourself rather than delegating? Probably you like to cook and want to keep doing it instead of delegating.
What things do you need to train your submissive man? There will be stuff that needs to be done in a certain way so that it meets your expectations and makes your life easy. Do you need sheets on the bed in a certain way? Does your man need training for ironing clothes? Maybe you like to unpack and shelve groceries in a certain way. Do you need your clothes folded in a certain way? What about the cleaning of washrooms? Or maybe your makeup stuff?
You will need to observe your slave and if he does it the wrong way, you will need to demonstrate to him the proper procedure. Training your man needs patience but it is worth it. You might even need to implement corrective measures if the same mistakes are repeated.
Psychology and Emotions
What are your emotional needs? Are you emotionally strong enough to dominate a man? At times, you will need to go against your gut to justify your Dominant role. You can obviously express it later to your partner. He is your man and will provide you with emotional support. What emotions do you get when you think of your man as your slave? Does it excite you? Is it a temporary excitement or do you want this long-term? Are your emotions just limited to the bedroom or outside the bedroom as well?
You would also want to be psychologically dominant. You need to understand that dominance is not just a role, it is a personality. What about his psychology? You can easily dominate him physically but true dominion is mental. How can you psychologically dominate him? Maybe you can use his fantasies to train him? Maybe you can verbally affirm your dominion again and again. I had written an article in the past on “Behavioral modification and psychological conditioning”.
Him
Why does he want to submit? Is he actually submissive or does he just have these fantasies? Are you aware of his fantasies? What turns him on? How can you manipulate him? How can you arouse him? How is he going to be more obedient? What makes him more submissive? How can you use his fantasies to your advantage? How does he like you to be dressed? Can you dress to turn him on? How can you tease him? Does he like tease and denial? What are his hard limits? What are his fantasies that you share with him? What are his fantasies that are a hard limit for you? Are there fantasies that he is scared to share with you? If yes, why is he scared? Why did he initiate FLR?
Well, these questions and pointers might look like a lot and might even seem daunting. But you do not need to have absolute and 100% clarity about all the things. The point I am trying to make here is that it is always better to think about FLR from a practical perspective rather than just a kink perspective.
Your dominion is all about you. You need to know yourself before you can actually start enjoying your rule over him. He is your man but now you are going to shape him as your slave. If you are going to shape him, you actually need to know how exactly you need him to be molded.
There is nothing more beautiful than a strong woman who knows what she wants. And there is nothing more amazing than a perfectly molded slave for that woman.
Keep dominating.
