Hello. <3 I would really like to hear your perspective and/or advice on this issue I’m having, if you wouldn’t mind.
Upon meeting my partner he expressed his desire for a FLR, which I didn’t know anything about at the time. Two years have passed and I know that being a Domme is an integral part of who I am. I am ready to connect deeply to that part of myself and let it become my totality.
But my partner has realised over time that the fantasy of a 24/7 FLR isn’t as realistic or practical as he expected. He is naturally stubborn, bossy, and authoritative. He becomes burned out or overwhelmed if we are in our roles for too long. He stops responding within himself. I am devastated because we have tried so many approaches to sustaining our dynamic, but none of them work long-term.
We’ve talked about scheduling dynamic time. I don’t like it, it doesn’t feel authentic or comfortable for me and I can’t switch on my dominant self. He says he finds it very hard to shift gears from having an independent and stressed hold over his life, and all the responsibilities he has that I don’t. He finds it very uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing to give up control in a more serious and general sense.
Towards the end of last year we entered our roles with all our hearts and I let myself become vulnerable to being a Domme and connect with it. But he slowly burned out and it fizzled away. I have went through so many little phases of grief and crying because I can’t connect to it anymore. I know that he wants a 24/7 FLR but he finds it almost impossible.
I feel robbed, in a way. He introduced me to this life and then couldn’t sustain it on his end. I reassure him that it isn’t his fault and he has external factors that impact this, but I’m questioning if this hands-off approach where we don’t pressure ourselves is going to fulfil us in the long run. As the woman, as the Domme, should I just… be dominant? Regardless of how he reacts? I don’t know. Nothing else is working. I want our relationship to be suffused with that subtle tone of power dynamics. I want to feel like a Domme again.
I can’t connect to it whenever he feels comfortable or ready, or whenever he is sexually aroused. I need it to be solid, reliable, and steady, for me. I wonder if I should just meet his more dominant traits head-on. It seems like nothing else will work. What’s worse, when we take a step back we slip into these almost Daddy dom/little girl places with each other. But I don’t want to feel like a cute little girl anymore. I want to feel the strength within myself that I feel when I allow myself to be a Domme. I don’t know what to do.
I apologise for the length of this ask and if you have read it I really appreciate your time. I admire your blog so much. Thank you. <3
ANSWER
Wow, this is such a good question. And this problem is more common than you might expect.
Many men introduce their partners to this lifestyle only to realize later that submission does not look like what they expected it to be.
In their heads, they wanted to be your slaves and be micromanaged by their wives but when it becomes their reality, they find it really difficult to adhere to.The problem that I sense here is that he is not ready to accept the things ‘not’ happening his way. He wants to obey you, but he doesn’t want to change his behavior or his lifestyle.
I think he needs to be taught that if he wants to submit, then he will have to change. He will have to accept your way of things. His submission is not conditional.
Moreover, moving in and out of the roles can be too exhausting and mentally tiring. And getting back into the roles just takes longer each time.You both should know that it is not a roleplay that you are doing.
It is a lifestyle that you both are adopting. Getting used to a new lifestyle takes time and extra efforts. You should not “just be dominant” regardless of how he reacts. You both are a couple first. A team.I believe you should give him space when he is not particularly feeling very submissive but instruct him clearly that he is still a submissive and he cannot act bossy or authoritative.
If he has agreed to be your sub and accepted you as his dom, then he needs to prove true to his words. You are also making extra efforts to make him feel comfortable, same way he should also make extra efforts to make you feel comfortable. Isn’t it what loving couples do anyway?
Take it slow. Communicate openly and DO NOT FORGET YOUR ROLES! FLR can be the happiest dynamic possible, you just need to build it right.
My DMs are open for further discussion.
